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Being That Religious Girl

The town I was raised in is very conservative. The only thing that the town has to offer is a few collector cars, Walmart and multiple churches. The town over from the one I grew up in has a large number of KKK members, so needless to say the culture isn't very diverse in many ways. I think out of boredom is how I got involved in the whole church thing. Well, being bored was only part of it also being invited to go to church by a very cute boy didn't hurt.

It is funny how religion works. They reel you in by being nice and showing you the accepting side of religion. I happen to come from a baptist background, but as I got more familiar with other "conservative christians" I soon realized that it didn't matter what denomination a person was from. I can tell you this from my experience, I fully believe that I was in a cult and it took some time for me to sort of deprogram my brain. When you believe an entire set of rules and guidelines and after many years realize that the belief system is full of hypocrisy it takes some time to figure out who you are.

I started to get heavily involved in church or god when I was in high school. My family only went to church on the religious holidays like Easter or Christmas. So, I was doing the church thing at first because I had a crush on the cute boy that invited me to god's house. I would say after about a year I was a jesus recruit and I was so involved in church that my grades were slipping at school and I actually quit the basketball team. I told my parents that I didn't want to play basketball because of a knee injury that I had, but really I just couldn't get enough of god and his people. I loved going to church and being around like minded people. For those of you who know me now, probably find it a little shocking that I could have been so much into god. I think looking back at it now the transformation was obvious nothing mattered to me except the lord and if you didn't go to church I thought you were the most horrible person in the world. Now, my family wasn't very religious so this caused some friction in my home life. They watched a good student and athlete give up everything to follow the lord. That was only high school, it only progressed into something much more.

I was at church 4 or 5 days a week. I was involved in every group I could be in just so I could be there. I have had multiple bibles in every translation for every occasion. I don't think people realize that they are getting brainwashed until they are out of the situation. As I said previously, they now their shit. These people reel you in with kindness and compassion and try to love like jesus would. That lasted for me for about a year. Remember I was a pagan and I needed saved so they "loved" me until I accepted jesus into my heart. Things would soon change and I wasn't so loved anymore. For me the church people I know have turned out to be some of the most judgemental and rude people I know. When a person is as involved in religion as much as I was you end up and make no decisions for yourself. I would justify every thing the church (as a group of people not a building) did to me as love when actually it was just power.

I was soon confronted about everything. I didn't pray enough, I didn't give enough money to the church. The biggest one is my biological father was abusive. The same people who reeled me in with love would indoctrinate my brain with bible verses that if I didn't forgive my dad that I wouldn't be a complete person and if I couldn't forgive my dad that there is no way I would be a good parent. That is only the tip of the iceberg as far as confrontation. I do believe that there were good people in the church, but what I experienced was something that basically beat me down as a human being. The church was trying to tell me that it was my fault that I was abused by my dad. They were so busy being all up in every one's business and saving souls, I think they forgot to practice what they preach.

One would have thought that I would have seen the obvious, but I didn't. I carried on and let them keep abusing me. I made a decision at that point to take this religion thing to another level. I decided to go to bible college. At this point in my life, all I knew was bibles, hymns, and prayer. Who was I praying to anyway? Would jesus really approve of my judgemental ways? I would ponder these things often. I moved to Chicago from the very small town I grew up in. I thought I would go to bible college, graduate, and save souls somewhere in the world. I would soon realize that my life would be turned upside down. I mean that way in the best way.

Keep in mind I moved to Chicago with very little money, but I knew that if I just had faith some how god would provide. I think what happened next would be one of the best things I could have ever happened to me. I decided to get a job and I happen to get a job in retail (like a lot of my peers) now for those of you that have had any sort of culture in your life, know where this story is going to go. I did in fact believe that god would provide, but I also knew that money didn't grow on trees. The job I would get and the people I would meet would be the best thing that ever happened to me and for me. As we all know, retail does in fact have a lot of gay men that work there. I met tons of them. I never tried push my religion down their throats. I was still very involved in church and bible college. It was fun for me to actually meet people who just liked me for me. I didn't have to have live this whole life of being the good christian girl. It was fascinating to me that I could just be liked without all the requirements. As time went on I developed a very close friendship with one of my gay managers and I was starting to slowly see that there was a bigger world out there then the bubble I had been living in for several years.

When you go to the bible college that I went to you must sign a code of conduct form and there are a lot of rules. Please I couldn't even wear pants and my skirts had to be at my knee. I started breaking a big rule though. There is a rule that if you aren't married, you must live on campus. At the time, I started to realize how brainwashed I really was. I was also finding that as I developed friendships with people at my job that I wasn't normal they were. I started to hate school and stay over at my gay friends apartment everyday. I did get in trouble for this from the dean of students and eventually I was forced to withdraw from school for my sinful behavior. I have to say this...I am so happy that I broke this rule. Bible college was many years ago and I don't talk to any of those people anymore, but the same gay friend that I spent all the time with over all these years is still one of my closest friends.

So, why did I share that very long story? The reason is because I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak on this issue, but I would not be the person I am today without this happening. I have found that I sure as fuck will never follow a religion that teaches hate and intolerance.I am no longer involved in any of it and I am happy to report that I am actually happier now then ever before. So, this is fundamental to who I am as a writer. I sometimes I over think things because I NEVER want to judge someone the way I was judged.

It Was Only Sex

I have been thinking lately about some of my past "hook-ups" and really had an eye opening experience. I have stated many times that I hang out with a lot of guys and generally I think very similar to them except for a few things. I think this is one of those times or situations where women process things very differently then men. Don't get me wrong I have gone to bars or out and about looking for the same thing every guy or girl looks for.

Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.

As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.

We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.

So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.

I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.

Does size really matter?

Hell yes size really does matter. Can it really be too big? Is there really any purpose for a big one besides scaring me. lol I know you think I am talking about a penis, but really I am talking about nipples..

I enjoy boobs don't get me wrong.. Nothing is better than a man with nice pecks or a woman with beautiful boobs, but big nipples freak me out. In my close group of friends we call that bologna nips. I don't get it. I think I have a real phobia about it. I feel like if I can't cover my nipple with my finger it is too big.

I am not talking about bitch tits on men either.. I could care less about that. I mean the actual nip. I kind of get creeped out when men have their shirts off and want to hug with a bologna nip. I know they aren't going to bite me, but if I can breast feed off your man nip it needs to stay away from me. I think I have a disorder about it. lol

There is so much more about nipples that freak me out. For instance, why do women wear bras that show their nipples? For me it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman a big nipple is a big nipple. Please cover them. I know that I am being silly, but I think that I really need help with this. I have been doing my usual asking around about this matter, and I think that I am not the only person that gets creeped out. Most people just laugh when I ask them about nipples.

I think that is why I love my book so much. I think most of the text will just make people laugh although they will relate to what I am saying. I love not being afraid to talk about crazy stuff. Trust me when my book comes out nipples are a mild subject.

Summer 2010

I can honestly say this has been a very trying summer for me. There are just those times in life when the phrase that stuff that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. To be honest, after my surgery and my Grandmother passed away at the beginning of the summer I didn't think it could get much worse.

I have to say that having the knee surgery that I had took a mental toll on me. I was pretty isolated from most people for a couple of months. I found that it was actually getting a little depressing. I found myself shocked by some people who really did help me through it and I was equally as shocked by people who didn't. Then, only a few days after my surgery my Grandmother passed away. I know she is in a better place.

I thought after some time had passed I was ready to move forward and keep working on my book. The book seemed to be the only constant thing that I could look forward to except for a few close friends that stuck by my side. Those friends know who they are and I could never thank them enough for their love and loyalty. One other thing happened this summer that I am not sure that I will fully recover from, but I am going to do my best to move forward and not focus on what happened. I will spare the details, but in a nutshell I was deeply hurt by a family member. Almost, on an unforgivable level. I refuse to be bitter and angry, but it is really hard to just watch everyone do nothing about it. I feel like this person will never know how deeply I was hurt and I hope that this person never feels they way they made me feel. I think all in all my confidence was rocked pretty hard this summer.

Something really great happened out of the craziness. I have changed a couple of things about my book and made it more marketable to an even bigger audience. I have taken the book in a bit of a different direction and I love the way it is going now. I do have to clear up some things about my book. I have been asked a lot of questions about my book. I am not sharing the title right now. Soon I will be able to do that. The book is very raw. The book is written how I talk not how my book team talks. Those of you who know me know that I enjoy using profanity and don't mind talking about things that make most people uncomfortable.. Sex, religion, boys, girls.. As I have blogged many times before I make no apologies about who I am especially as a writer. With all that being said I decided that I am going to blog again today about something more fun.. So get ready.. my next post won't be so matter of fact.

I Am That Girl

We all know the girl I am talking about.. The loud obnoxious one that throws herself at people especially men. We watch her in social settings (god forbid if there are cocktails involved) and she is really annoying and she seems a little desperate for attention. I have blogged many times before that I don't really hang out with a lot of women for a number of reasons. The main reason is because I really don't trust them. Every time I allow myself to get close to women I always get burned. There are a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part I will probably always be this way.

The reason I am even blogging about this is because I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine and he said that he considered me one of the "boys." At first, I thought that was cool and then I thought that is actually a big problem. I do have a lot of male friends and I often handle situations like most men.. I don't talk about it and live in denial. Most importantly, I act like nothing is wrong. lol

Until recently I was fine with all of this. However, in my recent past I caught myself in a social situation where I was that girl. I know full well that the man that I was throwing myself at isn't a man that could reciprocate those feelings. I found myself doing things that made me look desperate and to be honest kind of lame. I learned that I shouldn't be allowed to have a phone in some situations and my text messaging should be disabled. haha At first, I think I might have felt a little embarrassed then reality set in. I found that making yourself look desperate and needy is worse then being embarrassed.

I started thinking am I really that girl or are there certain people that bring this out in us. I am not sure that I have made the decision yet, but being the loud and crazy one kind of makes me want to puke. So, I guess I better figure it out. I think sometimes we want what we shouldn't have and maybe that is the attraction that makes us as women throw ourselves at people that we normally wouldn't. I sure the fuck don't know, but I know that being that girl is gross.

The Baby And The Blog

Clearly I have been lacking with this blog, it really isn't because of not having the time. I am not going to lie... I have been in a place mentally that I just wanted to stay under the radar. I don't know that staying under the radar is even possible considering I am writing a book, but I just needed to take time to figure some things out. Most things are figured out some of them are not, but all in all things are getting better. The book (I think I should call it the "baby" because I love it so much) is amazing. I have been blessed by getting some new software for my computer that makes the process go faster. It was a lot of fun to train my computer to recognize my voice. Yes my computer understands profanity...that was my favorite part to train it to do.

I normally don't share what blogs I read or join. Fuck, I can't even keep up with my blog, but I really think all of you would enjoy my friends blog! She is an amazing artist and not to mention a really cool person. She keeps it real and to some it might be out there, but to me it is brilliant. So check it out!!! It has a kiddo warning for a reason.

http://www.eraserhappy.blogspot.com/

Thanks For All The Warm Thoughts

First, I wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your warm thoughts for my family during the past few weeks. Those of you who know me know my Grandmother passed away earlier this month. June has been a rather difficult month for me and my family, but we are making it though the difficult time.

I think I just needed to stay off the radar the past few weeks and not push the limits on things. Honestly, I have been sad. I needed some time to process life I guess.

I am not going to share all the details about what happened, but Grammy was an amazing woman. One of the things that I will miss about her the most is how easy she was to talk to. I could talk to her about anything and I do mean ANYTHING! Again, thanks for all the love!!

I Wish I Never Went To The Titty Chop Shop

This blog will be divided into 3 parts.. I should make 3 different posts, but I haven't been that faithful to this blog so lets start with one that sums up it all up. :)

Part 1 The Titty Chop Shop

Recently I was going through old photos and couldn't believe what I was seeing. About 75% of the photos people were touching my boobs. Now, what is interesting about this that my boobs used to be double the size they are now. It is true I had them chopped down. They were huge and causing me some issues. I love to run and getting a black eye while jogging wasn't what I had in mind. I am just being silly when I talk about it, but the truth is I really did want to run a marathon and the boobs were a problem. I decided several years ago that I would get them reduced and it would be a lot more comfortable. At the time I thought it was the best decision I ever made about my body. I did run a marathon and couldn't have done it with the old "girls." Now, looking back I think I should have used them for financial gain before the hacksaw came out. Don't get me wrong my boobs could still be used for the greater good lol, but the old ones could have had their own marketing strategy. This is more or less the silly part of my post, but I guess the reason I am even sharing this information is because when I made the decision I was just coming out of a crazy religious cult and never thought about using my tits to make money. Now, that I have completely changed I wonder if I would have made the same decision. I know I could make them bigger like they used to be, but frankly I am a little tired of surgery and recovery.

Part 2 My Book Update

I LOVE my book. I know I say it all the time, but it is really a fun project to me. I enjoy that it is exactly how I talk and how I think and I am not going to apologize for it. I use profanity in my book. There will be a nude photo or 2 in my book. You never know who I have asked to show some ass in my book. You might just be surprised. The book is planned to have 10 chapters and all the chapters are titled. I think I shared this in a previous post, but I changed the title the last time the editor was in Chicago. The first title I never liked and it didn't really excite me. I wouldn't have bought the book with the lame ass title. So, I was blunt as hell to my editor and said I hate the title and want to change it to..(you thought I was going to spill it) and the editor loved the new title. The thing is that I can change whatever I want with my book because it is mine, but if it is something as big as the title I can't just do that. I report to other people. That happens in business deals!

Part 3 My Knee Surgery Update

So it has been exactly 2 weeks since my knee surgery and things are moving along ok. My knee surgeon warned me that the recovery would be slow because of the type of surgery I was having. Trust me it is slow. I wouldn't say it is boring though. I have plenty of book stuff to do. I have enjoyed sleeping 8 hours a night and taking a nap everyday. I have been blessed by the love and support of my family and close friends. I have had a lunch or dinner date almost everyday. The first week of my surgery was pretty intense. I was sick as hell and couldn't really move. It didn't make for a very nice combination. The surgery was one that isn't done very often and every medical intern and resident from orthopedics was in my surgery. I am all for learning, but I literally got interviewed by almost 15 doctors who were going to be in the operating room that weren't part of the surgery. Finally, I had to say enough was enough. I have some bad ass photos of my knee and it looks like someone took a baseball bat and beat the shit out of my leg. It is really nasty. I have this machine in my apartment that bends my knee at a 60 degree angle for 6 hours a day. The machine is no joke.. The whole surgery thing has given me a bit of a reality check. I took a lot of things for granted. I never really thought about getting my mail, or cleaning my apartment, or taking a shower..but when you can't walk everything changes and it has made me really appreciate being healthy. I did get all my stitches out and that has helped some. I will be on crutches for several weeks and hopefully the swelling will go down and the bruising will get better soon. Now that I am feeling a little better I will try to be more faithful to my blog.

Fucking For Fun Or Fucking For Love

I had an interesting conversation with my mom a couple of days ago about sex. The best part about my relationship with my mom is that I can say or ask anything. Sometimes, she is shocked, but our last conversation was very interesting. I asked her if she has or could have sex with someone she didn't love. Her initial response was "I don't understand how your mind works!" I laughed and she did eventually answer the question. It then made me think even more. I guess writing my book makes me think about things 24/7. That is also why I can't sleep because my mind is going a mile a minute. lol So, the more I thought about this sex thing is it any different if you love the person or not. I think that how I feel about it is much different then most people.

I have been thinking that I am the only one that enjoys having sex with someone I am not madly in love with. I know sex with your significant other is supposed to be this great spiritual experience and maybe because I don't have kids I don't get it. I think that there are those that we enjoy having sex with more then others, but where does love play into. Of course, I have been in both situations and I happen to enjoy both scenarios. I guess when you are in a relationship the sex is familiar and safe. I find that it can get boring at times. I find having sex with someone that you aren't in love with can be a little more wild. I think that people are willing to try things that they normally wouldn't because they don't have to face the person again if you don't want. I think if you are trying something new with your partner and it isn't exactly what you thought there is the embarrassment factor you have to get over.

Now, before you send me crazy comments.. I am not suggesting to go out and screw everyone in sight. I am also not suggesting to practice unsafe sex. I believe that all sex should be safe. I know that everyone has their opinion on this, but I think it depends on how you were raised, where you raised, and what generation you are in.

What's Your Favorite Electronic?

Ok all the people that know me probably think I am going to blog about "sex toys" because lets face it sometimes they can be my favorite. Sometimes there is nothing better than the real thing and sometimes it is all about alone time. As I do enjoy my friend "the rabbit," it has brought me great satisfaction and the best part is it doesn't cheat on me and doesn't require snuggling and chit chat. This really isn't the electronic I am going to talk about though! lol



Here is the electronic that I am talking about!!



This is the electronic that really keeps me happy. I love listening to my favorite music and just escaping reality. I really do think music can change your soul. I have found my ipod to be my best traveling companion and then I don't have to interact with people. I know that sounds rude, but I get tired of being asked to join every organization under the sun, asked to buy every spa package the city has to offer, and buy peanut m&m's from the local school. The peanuts would kill me anyway. It is not that I don't want to help my local school or help save the earth. I just want to join what groups I want when I want. I just find it annoying. I also decided that downloading songs in multiple languages has been a big help. I think it is genius. So, when people start to talk to me in English I just start playing a song in a different language and turn the volume all the way up and look at who is talking to me all confused. Trust me it works!!

Just a small update on the book! As I always say the book is going amazing and damn I will be happy when it is finished. I look forward to a summer of major book writing.

Love And Loyalty

Sorry about how long it has been since I have been on here! This blog will just be an update about what has been going on and where I have been. There is so much to share and I feel like time spent on the blog should be time spent on the book. I think my editor would say the same thing. He reminds often about how much writing I have to do. So I am going to break it down into the 2 biggest things that have been going on in the book world.

LOVE: Well you all know that I love my book. I am excited to say that the book finally has a title. My book will have about 10 chapters and so far all the chapters are titled. I don't think that we will add any chapters, but after last weekend that could have added another chapter. My editor was in Chicago. I normally go to Los Angeles, but he came here for a number of reasons. I feel like it is the most creative we have been together. One funny thing he said while he was here is that I have to try to relate to "women" more if I want to sell my book to them. It is true, so I am going to do my best to embrace them more. lol I have decided that as far as my blog I am going to try to blog once a week to keep you all informed. I won't take 3 weeks to blog again. Once a week is my goal considering I have real deadlines to get the book done.

Loyalty: This has probably been the most bothersome thing I am going to share in this blog. The past few weeks I have had to reevaluate a couple of relationships in my life. I guess not being loyal is one of those things that I can't tolerate. I got pushed passed the point of no return and decided that I had to cut 2 people out of my life. I have just decided that if I live with the philosophy that we really only have one chance to make the most of our life I am not going to allow people in my life at any capacity who call themselves my friend and every chance they get stab me in the back. I know it may sound harsh, but no more. I don't ask for a lot from people. I do require loyalty. It seems so easy, but I guess sometimes we go through these life lessons to keep us on track and make us appreciate those that really love us. Trust me I want to believe that these people wouldn't stab me in the back, but it has happened several times and I just can't say it is ok anymore. So, I have decided instead of feeling like I am going to lose my mind I am going to eliminate the drama.

I am going to continue to share bits and pieces of my book in future blogs. I have some fun topics I would like to blog about! Again, thanks everyone for being supportive of my book and blog.

Get On Your Knees Bitch

This is really what I wanted the title of my book to be. It isn't though, so I can post it on my blog. Getting on your knees could imply more than one meaning. It does here as well. lol Don't get me wrong I know that religion and sex are on the "do not talk about list." That makes me want to to talk about it even more. I am getting to the point of this whole process where I realize that everyone isn't going to like what I have to say. Each time I post something I will get an email or 2 or 10 telling me to stop writing my book. The visits from my conservative, religious, closed-minded friends aren't really stopping me either. I was totally brainwashed and I want people to know that life is much more than singing hymns and going to church 7 days a week.

So as I said before getting on your knees could have more than one meaning. I will go the good girl route first and tell you where I am coming from. I think people are getting the impression that I think god is bad and I don't think people should go to church. That actually isn't what I think at all. I don't really get into organized religion. I don't buy into it is this way or you are damned to hell. I do however think that faith is important. I don't think we as humans could survive without some sort of faith in something. My point is who am I to decide that for you. The background that I come from they would make every decision for me. I mean every decision. I think what I learned about myself is that it is much easier to conform then to have a different view on things. I would have probably moved into my old church if I would have been allowed to. This is no joke, I loved being there. I was so caught up in loving god that I would judge everyone around me and honestly I wasn't very nice. Not that I am nice now (haha) I guess if people think I am mean now it is because I don't like any sort of bullshit. I realize that we will always have stupid shit in our lives, but if I detect more than there should be I can be very blunt. So, I guess getting on your knees in this case is really just a representation of prayer to what or who you pray to. I don't think there is a thing wrong with it. I am just not going to have any group tell me how think anymore or who I need to pray to.

The other kind of getting on your knees is exactly what you think it is. The dirty bad girl or boy (because everyone knows that I hang out with boys more then girls) sort of way. This is where my haters will start sending me messages. Those from my past think talking about a blow job is damnation to hell. Well, if talking about it is going to send me to hell. What about actually doing it? Is there something worse then hell? I used to be so shy and wouldn't even say the word shit. So, those who know me from both sides of the world so to speak are a little shocked when I talk. I really don't mean to shock people, but I have found certain subjects are just so taboo. I learned from a friend/mentor of mine who is already an author not to change who I am because people might not like me or might not get me. She said that I shouldn't give a fuck if people are offended that I have enjoyed sex with strippers. She also said if more people would talk about what they enjoy more people would be satisfied. I love her because no matter how crazy or out there my idea is she is fully supportive. Everyone needs a mentor like mine. It makes life a lot more interesting.

Sometimes You Might Not Like What You See When You Look In The Mirror

The blog title has nothing to do with physical attributes is has to do with who we are on the inside. Actually, who we are at the core. It has nothing to do with how pretty, smart, and skinny we are. The blog will also explain why I took a couple of week break from it. (time had some to do with it, but really I just needed a mental break)

This blog is also in response to a really nice email I got from someone who follows my blog and asked where I have been. The number one thing that I have realized in writing a book the excitement really does wear off. Since, I am not finished with the book I am not sure if this is a permanent feeling or just a rough patch. There comes a lot more pressure and I am responsible to report to people. It is a little scary if the work isn't done and I need to give it to them. I am all for hard work, so that part doesn't bother me. It is the balance thing. I want to have a "life" and spend time with my loved ones. I am still working my career job, and I know at this point every spare moment should be spent working on my book. I am someone who is usually balanced. I have great times with my friends and family, but lately in the back of mind I know time is ticking for deadlines. I am someone who holds a great value in relationships with my close friends and those who are close to me are very supportive. I am just not used to feeling this way.

The other reason I haven't been blogging is because I felt like I was losing myself in the process. That might not make sense to some people, but I will explain. I now have a whole different persona "Becky The Book Girl." What is funny about this is that when you are in the business to sell a product or even more then that yourself to get fans to buy your book it is very easy to lose who you are and get wrapped up in that. I think I sort of lost "Kelly" in the process. The thing is that I have a friend who doesn't sell books, but promotes a whole different world. I would get so irritated listening to all the made up bullshit. Looking at it now, I thought it was being completely false and I found myself doing the same thing. Really, listening to this person was really just listening to myself. I go back to the balance thing who is Kelly and who is Becky the Book Girl? I do believe people come into our lives for a reason and I just was upset with myself that I was judging someone for being dishonest and I was doing the exact same thing. In most businesses you have to promote yourself, but it is a fine balancing act to not lose who you are in the process. So that is why I haven't been blogging. I want this experience to to fun and something I look forward to. I think I am back on track and ready to be silly as ever.

Lady Emotions Suck Major Ass

I have had a hard time "feeling inspired" lately. The part about it that bothers me so much is that I have been extremely emotional lately. It's really not my thing to cry about shit. It is not because I think I am a bad ass with no heart. It is because I just make other people feel uncomfortable when I do cry. Let me first say that "lady emotions" has nothing to do with that time of the month. People seem to think that is what I am talking about. I actually took the phrase from one of my gay boys. I am not exactly sure what started it all, but I was just in a funk for a few days. (which seemed like a few weeks)

I think one thing that didn't help was that I had to interview some people for my book. Most of the interviews went great and were a lot of fun. One interview was very uncomfortable and I was a little shocked about it. I felt like the interview that was uncomfortable was several years of frustration and jealousy that came out. Thankfully I have the final say and that mess won't be in the book. I do want other people's perspective in my book, but I think that my whole book has a light hearted fun tone. The interview wasn't fun to say the least. I also think what started the in interview off on the wrong foot is the person I interviewed said they have "feelings" for someone in my past. GROSS!!

On the positive side of things I did get to go to Penny Arcade's book reading and she is simply an amazing person. I walked away thinking she is the type of person I want to be. I think we really never stop changing or evolving, but Penny is so laid back and so supportive of any artist or writer in my case. She gave me so many good ideas. I just need to try them and see how it goes. Things are looking more exciting and it was only a few days I felt "emotional" so hopefully things will keep moving in the right direction.

Is His Business Going To Hang To Low?

I think this has been a week of questions. I have been asking myself and other people a lot of them. Some of my questions are politically correct some are not. Recently, I went shopping for my best friends birthday. Now, having a guy best friend is a bit different then having a girl best friend. We really aren't that into giving each other gifts not because we don't care about each other. It is because we spend a lot of time together and that usually ends up being a lot of $ as well. I would take the great times and lots of laughs (sometimes trouble usually my fault when that happens) over gift giving any day! The past 6 months since I have had to take the book deal more serious and have traveled a lot more he has done a lot for me. He has taken care of my apartment and my kitty Olive. So, I wanted to do a little something just to say thanks. Well, the truth is that I see him mostly in his underwear because of his job so I thought that would be a good choice for a gift. Well, I went online first... damn there are more styles of mens underwear than womens. So, I walked to the store in my neighborhood that sell man panties. I walked in a little educated about what I wanted. Anyway, the sales person was very nice, but trying to sell me these absolutely horrible underwear. They were way to girly. The amount of styles was a bit overwhelming. I finally found one that I liked and I said not realizing how loud I was talking "is this one going to make his business hang too low?" Not only did the sales clerk laugh at me so did the man trying on clothes in the fitting room. At that moment I got really hot and I know that I turned bright red. I also wanted the floor to have a trap door and I wanted to fall in it. I thought my question was legitimate. It bothers me when men wear underwear that don't hold their business in place. It is sort of like a woman wearing a bra with no elastic. What's the point. So, when he wears the new underwear you all better tip him well because I embarrassed myself and can't show my face in the store ever again. I am sure I will see those people out and about and they will laugh at me.

Valentine's Day Is A Bit Much As Far As I am Concerned

Ok I know that sounds negative, but it takes a lot more than one day of the year to give a card and proclaim your love to your significant other. I also think that is just another day to throw in the faces of those who are single that they are in fact alone on another holiday.

I personally couldn't be happier in my relationship with my partner. He is a really nice guy and treats me beyond well. I guess the problem with me is that I am not a "let's talk about our feelings and emotions" girl. I have never been and at this point I probably never will. It is more or less a take it or leave it type of deal with me. I have a very few people in my life that know how I "feel", but for the most part why bother. Love to me is a simple concept and it is usually outside influences that destroy good relationships. There is always someone who thinks that they know what you should do, who you should date, or who you should be friends with. Fuck that, do what you want and love who you want is the way I see it.

I really do think valentine's day is a bit much. You really think that if you are an asshole all the time and you buy your partner a box of chocolates and a card that means you aren't an asshole anymore? Please you are still an asshole.

The Book Girl Is Getting Restless

I think this winter has taken a toll on my state of mind. I have lived in the Midwest my entire life. This winter hasn't been anything out of the ordinary, but I am just not enjoying it anymore. It seems like all I can focus on is my next trip to California or what is next. It sometimes takes those who are in my close circle of friends to pull me back in and remind me that everything will fall into place when it is suppose to. I wouldn't say it is an unhappy feeling more of I want to move on to the next phase of my life and the book isn't finished. I live my life for the most part as I have stated before as happy as possible.

I feel like I need to shake things up a little or I am going to continue to have this feeling. The last time I had this feeling I moved to Chicago and I didn't know a single person here. I am not sure if that is the answer, but I will figure it out.

A small update on the book. I have been working hard on getting things done. I have a few deadlines coming up so we will see how that goes. I am excited because I have two central characters that are going to interview me for my book. This will be a conversation more than an actual interview. It should be a lot of fun. Hopefully, it will be entertaining. Those conversations will of course be recorded and then the California team work their magic. All in all the book is going great.

Pills, Pimps, and Pole Dancers

So before I really talk about the real reason I decided to blog today, I thought I would give a brief update on my trip to California. I think if I could rate this trip on the star system...I would give it 5 out of 5 stars. The funny thing is that I was sick the entire time I was there. I left LA this time thinking we are really on to something with this book. I have been excited about this project since the beginning, but now I know that I am doing what I need to be doing. Writing is not easy for me. So, I have to be very disciplined to set time out just for the book. We spent several hours over the course of 4 days working through ideas and very detailed character descriptions. Despite the fever and horrible head cold I had the trip was a total success. Like I said before the sky is the limit!!

Now, on to the other reason that I decided to blog today. Something has been bothering me a little and I decided to just put it out there. I was out and about in the recent past and found myself feeling like I was in the twilight zone. Maybe because I was completely sober and it takes several cocktails to tolerate people anymore. It was more then being drunk. I felt like every person out that night was fucked up on some sort of drugs. I pass no judgement on any sort of drug use, but this was off the charts. To each their own, but seriously is everyone totally fucked up all the time. Even people who proclaim to never touch the stuff seemed like were so high that I couldn't imagine them getting in car and actually driving home like that.

I honestly don't care what people do. At least be responsible about it. I have been crazy drunk before and by no means is this to point the finger at anyone. I guess I just don't get it. Drunk is one thing out of your mind is another. I know people probably think this is a anti drug and alcohol message it isn't that. It is just me venting about people using their brain. People who I would say I have respect for just sucked that night! That's all!!

No More Frozen Hoo Hoo.. I Am California Bound

It has been few days since I have been on here, but I am so happy I am going to California for a few days. I always get excited to go to California. I get to work with some of the smartest people I have ever met. I love the feeling of leaving knowing that I learned something. I wouldn't say that it is a mentor/student thing. It is more like a group of peers that want to see this book succeed. I feel like I am one lucky person to have these amazing people in my life.

I have met some very interesting people in Chicago in the last week and appreciate the great conversation that came out of meeting them. I felt I got even more inspired to keep writing and make an even better book. I never realized how many people come from crazy religious backgrounds. I love sharing stories and experiences. I have really tried to open my mind when I have a conversation to realize that everyone has a story. Those stories really define who we are and where we are going.

I am so excited to work on the book, but I am also excited to get out of this freezing weather. I can't stand the winter weather. I know there is not a heat wave, but 70 degrees is better than 18 degrees. I am looking forward to posting what I learn and experience while I am in Los Angeles. I am sure there will be some great stories. I will take a few pics this time since I didn't take any last time. Chat with you all soon.

Let's Skip The Date And Just Have Sex

First, I have to say that this blog title came from my friend Michael after hours of laughter over our horrible dating experiences. I won't share names of those we dated or those who never even made it that far. Let's face it dating sucks and people act like they are someone they aren't on a date or they act like they are from another planet.

I guess what really started me thinking about how much I hate dating is when I started talking about a blind date I was set up on. I realized from that moment on I could live the rest of my life without going on another date. Just to clarify I did not say I didn't want to be in a relationship this post is only about dating. There is a huge difference. So, back to the blind date... my friend at the time said she had the perfect guy for me so I thought what the hell. I wasn't "dating" anyone at the time so I said ok. Since, I had never met the person in my life we decided to go on a double date. The 3 of them were already friends so they came to my place to pick me up. I know this is going to sound caddy, they arrived at my door and I was like ok this is interesting. Not really my type physically, but I will give it a try. So, we decided to go to a bar in my neighborhood before dinner. Not only was he not really my cup of tea. He was probably one of the most boring and hard to talk to people I have ever met. I had to make a decision at that point of what to do. It was a little late to fake an illness so I decided I would get as drunk as possible hoping that it would just go better. Well, not so much I was drunk alright. We left the bar to go to dinner. I walk out into the street and get hit by a cab. I probably would have been hurt really bad had it not been for all the cocktails. lol It wasn't what I had in mind for getting out of the date, but it sure as shit worked. Mark my word that will be my first and last blind date I will ever go on.

There is so much more about dating that is horrible. What about the people that you go on a date with that seem perfectly normal at first. You go on a couple of dates then they think that they need to call or text you every 5 minutes. I'm not really into stalkers after 2 dates.

I also appreciate going on dates with people that seem perfectly normal and once you are at dinner and show any interest they find the need to tell you that they are in love with you and you haven't even ordered your drink or appetizer. Please, what the fuck is wrong with people. There is another extreme to that, what about the people who ask you to "hang out" or go to dinner who already had multiple partners at home that didn't know that they were asking people out on dates.

I'm not sure why dating needs to be so stupid. I compare stories with people and I am not the only one. I think dating should be fun. I have been bringing up this subject on occasion just to get other people's take on dating and I have heard some crazy dating stories. It seems like dating has turned into a mess. What ever happened to going out and having a good time.

My favorite reaction to the whole dating thing was Michael. He didn't seem to like dating any more than me. His philosophy simple... "Let's skip the date and just have sex." haha!!

Slut Or Cunt...

There are a couple of words that we use all the time. Well, if you have a foul mouth like me you do. I find both the word slut and cunt very interesting. I have my thoughts and views on both words. I often find them very funny and yes I have been called both. I also use both words.

First, what is slut? Why is it usually only a word used toward a woman? Is it bad to be a slut? The best definition of a slut is someone who is sexually promiscuous. Typically referring to women. I have stated many times before that I think women can be ruthless bitches and by no means is this post because I am some feminist that think only women rule the world. I think there is a need for both sexes, and frankly the world boring without men. Women are considered sluts if they sleep around and men are considered cool. What? Women are sluts if there clothes are too tight and skirts are too short and men are just considered to have made a bad wardrobe choice. What the fuck? Sluts are sluts... if you are sexually promiscuous you are sexually promiscuous. It doesn't matter if you have a penis or a vagina. Is it bad to be a slut? Who decides what is right or wrong anyway? Who decides what moral compass we should follow? I think those are just rhetorical questions I have been asking myself lately. The questions are probably less about being a slut and more about who makes the rules we follow sexually. Is it the church we belong to (just to clarify I do not belong to a church), our parents, god, our friends that decide the morals we follow? I frankly believe our morals come from a combination of all or some of the above. I also want to point out that I am not suggesting to go out and be crazy and have unprotected sex. I think everything should be safe. I am saying that I think a lot of who we are is decided by other people's values. What makes their values right for you or me?

Now, I am going to talk about the word cunt! As one have my favorite gay boys said "cunts are nasty." lol I am not saying that they are but it is another word used toward woman in a negative way. I wonder again if guys can be cunts. I realize the true definition of a cunt is referring to a woman's genitalia. Now, with that alone it probably shouldn't be used toward men. In the everyday world we use it to say that someone is being more than just a bitch. Now, I know a lot guys and yes they can be cunts as well. I actually hate the word, but sometimes it is the best description for people that are rude ignorant assholes. I know when I am really pissed at another woman I will use the word cunt and you know that it is serious business. I am not saying it is right I am saying it just gets the point across. It is like a secret code when a woman says it to another woman to "back the fuck up bitch" by just using one word. I have decided that I am going to just start saying asshole when I am pissed and not worry about the gender of the person. lol

You Need To Take Them For A Test Ride Before You Pick The Right Model

Get your mind out of the gutter. For once am not talking about a penis. I am actually talking about the bike I want for the triathlon. I think I have the expensive beauty all picked out. I just have to wait until the weather gets better and take my top 3 choices out for a test ride. I never realized how many styles of bikes that are out there. The colors alone are too much. I think a pretty pink bike with a basket in the front would be great. Just kidding, I will probably just get a black bike.

I haven't really shared much about my trip home at Christmas, but a couple of funny things happened. First, my mom bought me new cookware. That seems like a nice gift right? I love the gift, but cooking not so much. It isn't that I can't cook. I just don't enjoy it. It seems like a big mess for 15 minutes of enjoyment that leads to another mess. I live in a really small apartment and I think I will pass. My mom asked me yesterday if I enjoyed my new cookware and my response was I will let you know when you visit me and cook something.

I also got a lot of new computer equipment for xmas. I actually really needed it to make the book process go even better. I got a new web cam and it is still in the package. I think I am possibly I little scared to install it to my computer. The reason I got it is because after I get back from California I will have a weekly video conference with the ghost writer and editor. I keep getting asked if the web cam is going to lead to a new career and more chapters in the book. Maybe that is my fear. Who knows, but it is still in the package three weeks later. It is really nice to. That is the perks of having a sister and brother-in-law that own a computer store. I think having my mom ask me everyday if she is going to see my naked ass on the Internet is what is keeping me from even dealing with it. lol

Just a couple of weeks and I will be Los Angeles doing what I love. Working on my book. I am at a very happy point in my life. I couldn't ask for anything else. Of course, I don't want to stop growing as a person. I am just really enjoying the whole adventure. It really is an adventure.

You Walk With The Lord I Walk With My Friends To The Strip Club

Sometimes the people we encounter are very interesting that make you think. I recently had a conversation with someone about my blog and this person mentioned that my blog is a bit controversial. At first I thought that wasn't true. I thought I am really kind of boring and just live my life. Then I thought about it a little more and I do talk about things that are kind of cliche' and "forbidden" to talk about.

I have decided from the beginning of the entire book writing process that I would be true to myself and talk about what I want. I also know people might think that makes me a bit crazy. Aren't we all a little crazy anyway? I have found a couple of my friends aren't really that supportive of me just putting stuff out there and not wanting me to push the limits. I think there is some confusion. My whole book pushes the limit. The book is going to be brilliant when it is finished. The blog is different it is an outlet to share my thoughts, get ideas, and just keep it real.

I have a particular friend who thinks that I should apologize for who I am and what my book is about. I won't do that. That is the funny part about people they think they live such a better life and really all they do is judge and look down on other people. I will not now or ever apologize for who I am and what I did in the past or what I am doing now.

My book will talk about god, religion, sex, heart break, and many other things that people think are off limits. I will never live my life thinking that things are off limits. I spent too many years brainwashed and god crazy so now that I realize the world actually exists I will talk about whatever I want. That may seem cocky it really just means I am confident. I have the right people supporting me and that is what is important. So, if you want to judge that is ok. I will continue to be true to myself. If that means me going to the strip club and talking about it then so be it. At least I don't walk around thinking I am better than I am or someone I am not. I have a full understanding of who I am.

Fuck Clearly Wasn't The Right Choice

As I said before I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. If I need to fix something I need to fix it. I shouldn't wait. I realize as human beings that we always need to better ourselves. I said in the post before this one I wanted to stop saying "fuck" so much. Forget it...I can't do it.lol At one minute after the new year rang in I looked at my very drunk friend and said "you are a drunk mess you need to fucking go home." I have been drunk plenty of times, but this was another level. So, I will continue to work on not drinking soda and training for the triathlon. Fuck is back in my vocabulary. lol

I am going to switch gears and share something that is a little more serious. I probably should have made this a different post. I have been reading a lot of posts on FB and other people's blogs and just in general listening to people. It is sad to listen to all the unhappy people. I don't mean that in a rude way, but there are a lot of unhappy people out there. I guess I am really lucky because I am normally pretty happy. I have my struggles every day like everyone, but over all I wake up looking forward to life. Even people I consider very close to me that post that they want to be happy in 2010. I sometimes think either I am living in denial or not in touch with reality or something. I am happy and it is hard to see how many people are not. I think one of the reasons that I am happy is because I had a horrible relationship in my life for about 4 years and I was always worried about the other person's needs and always put myself last. Well, through the course of some very difficult circumstances and decisions I cut that person out of my life. I then took care of myself and put my needs first. I know that might sound incredibly selfish, but we have only one chance at this life thing and I want to enjoy it. I do care about my close personal friends and relationships and I would do anything for them. I am just at a point in my life that I will not allow people who are full of drama and bitterness around me. I would never turn my back on my loved one's either if they were going through a hard time. It is a fine balance.

I also have to say thanks to my supporters of my book and blog. I hope that 2010 is happy for you. As crazy as this year is going to be for me I don't take it lightly that you support me.