It Was Only Sex

I have been thinking lately about some of my past "hook-ups" and really had an eye opening experience. I have stated many times that I hang out with a lot of guys and generally I think very similar to them except for a few things. I think this is one of those times or situations where women process things very differently then men. Don't get me wrong I have gone to bars or out and about looking for the same thing every guy or girl looks for.

Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.

As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.

We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.

So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.

I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.