The town I was raised in is very conservative. The only thing that the town has to offer is a few collector cars, Walmart and multiple churches. The town over from the one I grew up in has a large number of KKK members, so needless to say the culture isn't very diverse in many ways. I think out of boredom is how I got involved in the whole church thing. Well, being bored was only part of it also being invited to go to church by a very cute boy didn't hurt.
It is funny how religion works. They reel you in by being nice and showing you the accepting side of religion. I happen to come from a baptist background, but as I got more familiar with other "conservative christians" I soon realized that it didn't matter what denomination a person was from. I can tell you this from my experience, I fully believe that I was in a cult and it took some time for me to sort of deprogram my brain. When you believe an entire set of rules and guidelines and after many years realize that the belief system is full of hypocrisy it takes some time to figure out who you are.
I started to get heavily involved in church or god when I was in high school. My family only went to church on the religious holidays like Easter or Christmas. So, I was doing the church thing at first because I had a crush on the cute boy that invited me to god's house. I would say after about a year I was a jesus recruit and I was so involved in church that my grades were slipping at school and I actually quit the basketball team. I told my parents that I didn't want to play basketball because of a knee injury that I had, but really I just couldn't get enough of god and his people. I loved going to church and being around like minded people. For those of you who know me now, probably find it a little shocking that I could have been so much into god. I think looking back at it now the transformation was obvious nothing mattered to me except the lord and if you didn't go to church I thought you were the most horrible person in the world. Now, my family wasn't very religious so this caused some friction in my home life. They watched a good student and athlete give up everything to follow the lord. That was only high school, it only progressed into something much more.
I was at church 4 or 5 days a week. I was involved in every group I could be in just so I could be there. I have had multiple bibles in every translation for every occasion. I don't think people realize that they are getting brainwashed until they are out of the situation. As I said previously, they now their shit. These people reel you in with kindness and compassion and try to love like jesus would. That lasted for me for about a year. Remember I was a pagan and I needed saved so they "loved" me until I accepted jesus into my heart. Things would soon change and I wasn't so loved anymore. For me the church people I know have turned out to be some of the most judgemental and rude people I know. When a person is as involved in religion as much as I was you end up and make no decisions for yourself. I would justify every thing the church (as a group of people not a building) did to me as love when actually it was just power.
I was soon confronted about everything. I didn't pray enough, I didn't give enough money to the church. The biggest one is my biological father was abusive. The same people who reeled me in with love would indoctrinate my brain with bible verses that if I didn't forgive my dad that I wouldn't be a complete person and if I couldn't forgive my dad that there is no way I would be a good parent. That is only the tip of the iceberg as far as confrontation. I do believe that there were good people in the church, but what I experienced was something that basically beat me down as a human being. The church was trying to tell me that it was my fault that I was abused by my dad. They were so busy being all up in every one's business and saving souls, I think they forgot to practice what they preach.
One would have thought that I would have seen the obvious, but I didn't. I carried on and let them keep abusing me. I made a decision at that point to take this religion thing to another level. I decided to go to bible college. At this point in my life, all I knew was bibles, hymns, and prayer. Who was I praying to anyway? Would jesus really approve of my judgemental ways? I would ponder these things often. I moved to Chicago from the very small town I grew up in. I thought I would go to bible college, graduate, and save souls somewhere in the world. I would soon realize that my life would be turned upside down. I mean that way in the best way.
Keep in mind I moved to Chicago with very little money, but I knew that if I just had faith some how god would provide. I think what happened next would be one of the best things I could have ever happened to me. I decided to get a job and I happen to get a job in retail (like a lot of my peers) now for those of you that have had any sort of culture in your life, know where this story is going to go. I did in fact believe that god would provide, but I also knew that money didn't grow on trees. The job I would get and the people I would meet would be the best thing that ever happened to me and for me. As we all know, retail does in fact have a lot of gay men that work there. I met tons of them. I never tried push my religion down their throats. I was still very involved in church and bible college. It was fun for me to actually meet people who just liked me for me. I didn't have to have live this whole life of being the good christian girl. It was fascinating to me that I could just be liked without all the requirements. As time went on I developed a very close friendship with one of my gay managers and I was starting to slowly see that there was a bigger world out there then the bubble I had been living in for several years.
When you go to the bible college that I went to you must sign a code of conduct form and there are a lot of rules. Please I couldn't even wear pants and my skirts had to be at my knee. I started breaking a big rule though. There is a rule that if you aren't married, you must live on campus. At the time, I started to realize how brainwashed I really was. I was also finding that as I developed friendships with people at my job that I wasn't normal they were. I started to hate school and stay over at my gay friends apartment everyday. I did get in trouble for this from the dean of students and eventually I was forced to withdraw from school for my sinful behavior. I have to say this...I am so happy that I broke this rule. Bible college was many years ago and I don't talk to any of those people anymore, but the same gay friend that I spent all the time with over all these years is still one of my closest friends.
So, why did I share that very long story? The reason is because I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak on this issue, but I would not be the person I am today without this happening. I have found that I sure as fuck will never follow a religion that teaches hate and intolerance.I am no longer involved in any of it and I am happy to report that I am actually happier now then ever before. So, this is fundamental to who I am as a writer. I sometimes I over think things because I NEVER want to judge someone the way I was judged.
September 29, 2010
September 20, 2010
It Was Only Sex
I have been thinking lately about some of my past "hook-ups" and really had an eye opening experience. I have stated many times that I hang out with a lot of guys and generally I think very similar to them except for a few things. I think this is one of those times or situations where women process things very differently then men. Don't get me wrong I have gone to bars or out and about looking for the same thing every guy or girl looks for.
Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.
As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.
We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.
So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.
I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.
Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.
As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.
We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.
So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.
I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.
August 30, 2010
Does size really matter?
Hell yes size really does matter. Can it really be too big? Is there really any purpose for a big one besides scaring me. lol I know you think I am talking about a penis, but really I am talking about nipples..
I enjoy boobs don't get me wrong.. Nothing is better than a man with nice pecks or a woman with beautiful boobs, but big nipples freak me out. In my close group of friends we call that bologna nips. I don't get it. I think I have a real phobia about it. I feel like if I can't cover my nipple with my finger it is too big.
I am not talking about bitch tits on men either.. I could care less about that. I mean the actual nip. I kind of get creeped out when men have their shirts off and want to hug with a bologna nip. I know they aren't going to bite me, but if I can breast feed off your man nip it needs to stay away from me. I think I have a disorder about it. lol
There is so much more about nipples that freak me out. For instance, why do women wear bras that show their nipples? For me it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman a big nipple is a big nipple. Please cover them. I know that I am being silly, but I think that I really need help with this. I have been doing my usual asking around about this matter, and I think that I am not the only person that gets creeped out. Most people just laugh when I ask them about nipples.
I think that is why I love my book so much. I think most of the text will just make people laugh although they will relate to what I am saying. I love not being afraid to talk about crazy stuff. Trust me when my book comes out nipples are a mild subject.
I enjoy boobs don't get me wrong.. Nothing is better than a man with nice pecks or a woman with beautiful boobs, but big nipples freak me out. In my close group of friends we call that bologna nips. I don't get it. I think I have a real phobia about it. I feel like if I can't cover my nipple with my finger it is too big.
I am not talking about bitch tits on men either.. I could care less about that. I mean the actual nip. I kind of get creeped out when men have their shirts off and want to hug with a bologna nip. I know they aren't going to bite me, but if I can breast feed off your man nip it needs to stay away from me. I think I have a disorder about it. lol
There is so much more about nipples that freak me out. For instance, why do women wear bras that show their nipples? For me it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman a big nipple is a big nipple. Please cover them. I know that I am being silly, but I think that I really need help with this. I have been doing my usual asking around about this matter, and I think that I am not the only person that gets creeped out. Most people just laugh when I ask them about nipples.
I think that is why I love my book so much. I think most of the text will just make people laugh although they will relate to what I am saying. I love not being afraid to talk about crazy stuff. Trust me when my book comes out nipples are a mild subject.
Summer 2010
I can honestly say this has been a very trying summer for me. There are just those times in life when the phrase that stuff that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. To be honest, after my surgery and my Grandmother passed away at the beginning of the summer I didn't think it could get much worse.
I have to say that having the knee surgery that I had took a mental toll on me. I was pretty isolated from most people for a couple of months. I found that it was actually getting a little depressing. I found myself shocked by some people who really did help me through it and I was equally as shocked by people who didn't. Then, only a few days after my surgery my Grandmother passed away. I know she is in a better place.
I thought after some time had passed I was ready to move forward and keep working on my book. The book seemed to be the only constant thing that I could look forward to except for a few close friends that stuck by my side. Those friends know who they are and I could never thank them enough for their love and loyalty. One other thing happened this summer that I am not sure that I will fully recover from, but I am going to do my best to move forward and not focus on what happened. I will spare the details, but in a nutshell I was deeply hurt by a family member. Almost, on an unforgivable level. I refuse to be bitter and angry, but it is really hard to just watch everyone do nothing about it. I feel like this person will never know how deeply I was hurt and I hope that this person never feels they way they made me feel. I think all in all my confidence was rocked pretty hard this summer.
Something really great happened out of the craziness. I have changed a couple of things about my book and made it more marketable to an even bigger audience. I have taken the book in a bit of a different direction and I love the way it is going now. I do have to clear up some things about my book. I have been asked a lot of questions about my book. I am not sharing the title right now. Soon I will be able to do that. The book is very raw. The book is written how I talk not how my book team talks. Those of you who know me know that I enjoy using profanity and don't mind talking about things that make most people uncomfortable.. Sex, religion, boys, girls.. As I have blogged many times before I make no apologies about who I am especially as a writer. With all that being said I decided that I am going to blog again today about something more fun.. So get ready.. my next post won't be so matter of fact.
I have to say that having the knee surgery that I had took a mental toll on me. I was pretty isolated from most people for a couple of months. I found that it was actually getting a little depressing. I found myself shocked by some people who really did help me through it and I was equally as shocked by people who didn't. Then, only a few days after my surgery my Grandmother passed away. I know she is in a better place.
I thought after some time had passed I was ready to move forward and keep working on my book. The book seemed to be the only constant thing that I could look forward to except for a few close friends that stuck by my side. Those friends know who they are and I could never thank them enough for their love and loyalty. One other thing happened this summer that I am not sure that I will fully recover from, but I am going to do my best to move forward and not focus on what happened. I will spare the details, but in a nutshell I was deeply hurt by a family member. Almost, on an unforgivable level. I refuse to be bitter and angry, but it is really hard to just watch everyone do nothing about it. I feel like this person will never know how deeply I was hurt and I hope that this person never feels they way they made me feel. I think all in all my confidence was rocked pretty hard this summer.
Something really great happened out of the craziness. I have changed a couple of things about my book and made it more marketable to an even bigger audience. I have taken the book in a bit of a different direction and I love the way it is going now. I do have to clear up some things about my book. I have been asked a lot of questions about my book. I am not sharing the title right now. Soon I will be able to do that. The book is very raw. The book is written how I talk not how my book team talks. Those of you who know me know that I enjoy using profanity and don't mind talking about things that make most people uncomfortable.. Sex, religion, boys, girls.. As I have blogged many times before I make no apologies about who I am especially as a writer. With all that being said I decided that I am going to blog again today about something more fun.. So get ready.. my next post won't be so matter of fact.
August 5, 2010
I Am That Girl
We all know the girl I am talking about.. The loud obnoxious one that throws herself at people especially men. We watch her in social settings (god forbid if there are cocktails involved) and she is really annoying and she seems a little desperate for attention. I have blogged many times before that I don't really hang out with a lot of women for a number of reasons. The main reason is because I really don't trust them. Every time I allow myself to get close to women I always get burned. There are a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part I will probably always be this way.
The reason I am even blogging about this is because I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine and he said that he considered me one of the "boys." At first, I thought that was cool and then I thought that is actually a big problem. I do have a lot of male friends and I often handle situations like most men.. I don't talk about it and live in denial. Most importantly, I act like nothing is wrong. lol
Until recently I was fine with all of this. However, in my recent past I caught myself in a social situation where I was that girl. I know full well that the man that I was throwing myself at isn't a man that could reciprocate those feelings. I found myself doing things that made me look desperate and to be honest kind of lame. I learned that I shouldn't be allowed to have a phone in some situations and my text messaging should be disabled. haha At first, I think I might have felt a little embarrassed then reality set in. I found that making yourself look desperate and needy is worse then being embarrassed.
I started thinking am I really that girl or are there certain people that bring this out in us. I am not sure that I have made the decision yet, but being the loud and crazy one kind of makes me want to puke. So, I guess I better figure it out. I think sometimes we want what we shouldn't have and maybe that is the attraction that makes us as women throw ourselves at people that we normally wouldn't. I sure the fuck don't know, but I know that being that girl is gross.
The reason I am even blogging about this is because I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine and he said that he considered me one of the "boys." At first, I thought that was cool and then I thought that is actually a big problem. I do have a lot of male friends and I often handle situations like most men.. I don't talk about it and live in denial. Most importantly, I act like nothing is wrong. lol
Until recently I was fine with all of this. However, in my recent past I caught myself in a social situation where I was that girl. I know full well that the man that I was throwing myself at isn't a man that could reciprocate those feelings. I found myself doing things that made me look desperate and to be honest kind of lame. I learned that I shouldn't be allowed to have a phone in some situations and my text messaging should be disabled. haha At first, I think I might have felt a little embarrassed then reality set in. I found that making yourself look desperate and needy is worse then being embarrassed.
I started thinking am I really that girl or are there certain people that bring this out in us. I am not sure that I have made the decision yet, but being the loud and crazy one kind of makes me want to puke. So, I guess I better figure it out. I think sometimes we want what we shouldn't have and maybe that is the attraction that makes us as women throw ourselves at people that we normally wouldn't. I sure the fuck don't know, but I know that being that girl is gross.
July 10, 2010
The Baby And The Blog
Clearly I have been lacking with this blog, it really isn't because of not having the time. I am not going to lie... I have been in a place mentally that I just wanted to stay under the radar. I don't know that staying under the radar is even possible considering I am writing a book, but I just needed to take time to figure some things out. Most things are figured out some of them are not, but all in all things are getting better. The book (I think I should call it the "baby" because I love it so much) is amazing. I have been blessed by getting some new software for my computer that makes the process go faster. It was a lot of fun to train my computer to recognize my voice. Yes my computer understands profanity...that was my favorite part to train it to do.
I normally don't share what blogs I read or join. Fuck, I can't even keep up with my blog, but I really think all of you would enjoy my friends blog! She is an amazing artist and not to mention a really cool person. She keeps it real and to some it might be out there, but to me it is brilliant. So check it out!!! It has a kiddo warning for a reason.
http://www.eraserhappy.blogspot.com/
I normally don't share what blogs I read or join. Fuck, I can't even keep up with my blog, but I really think all of you would enjoy my friends blog! She is an amazing artist and not to mention a really cool person. She keeps it real and to some it might be out there, but to me it is brilliant. So check it out!!! It has a kiddo warning for a reason.
http://www.eraserhappy.blogspot.com/
June 30, 2010
Thanks For All The Warm Thoughts
First, I wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your warm thoughts for my family during the past few weeks. Those of you who know me know my Grandmother passed away earlier this month. June has been a rather difficult month for me and my family, but we are making it though the difficult time.
I think I just needed to stay off the radar the past few weeks and not push the limits on things. Honestly, I have been sad. I needed some time to process life I guess.
I am not going to share all the details about what happened, but Grammy was an amazing woman. One of the things that I will miss about her the most is how easy she was to talk to. I could talk to her about anything and I do mean ANYTHING! Again, thanks for all the love!!
I think I just needed to stay off the radar the past few weeks and not push the limits on things. Honestly, I have been sad. I needed some time to process life I guess.
I am not going to share all the details about what happened, but Grammy was an amazing woman. One of the things that I will miss about her the most is how easy she was to talk to. I could talk to her about anything and I do mean ANYTHING! Again, thanks for all the love!!
June 7, 2010
I Wish I Never Went To The Titty Chop Shop
This blog will be divided into 3 parts.. I should make 3 different posts, but I haven't been that faithful to this blog so lets start with one that sums up it all up. :)
Part 1 The Titty Chop Shop
Recently I was going through old photos and couldn't believe what I was seeing. About 75% of the photos people were touching my boobs. Now, what is interesting about this that my boobs used to be double the size they are now. It is true I had them chopped down. They were huge and causing me some issues. I love to run and getting a black eye while jogging wasn't what I had in mind. I am just being silly when I talk about it, but the truth is I really did want to run a marathon and the boobs were a problem. I decided several years ago that I would get them reduced and it would be a lot more comfortable. At the time I thought it was the best decision I ever made about my body. I did run a marathon and couldn't have done it with the old "girls." Now, looking back I think I should have used them for financial gain before the hacksaw came out. Don't get me wrong my boobs could still be used for the greater good lol, but the old ones could have had their own marketing strategy. This is more or less the silly part of my post, but I guess the reason I am even sharing this information is because when I made the decision I was just coming out of a crazy religious cult and never thought about using my tits to make money. Now, that I have completely changed I wonder if I would have made the same decision. I know I could make them bigger like they used to be, but frankly I am a little tired of surgery and recovery.
Part 2 My Book Update
I LOVE my book. I know I say it all the time, but it is really a fun project to me. I enjoy that it is exactly how I talk and how I think and I am not going to apologize for it. I use profanity in my book. There will be a nude photo or 2 in my book. You never know who I have asked to show some ass in my book. You might just be surprised. The book is planned to have 10 chapters and all the chapters are titled. I think I shared this in a previous post, but I changed the title the last time the editor was in Chicago. The first title I never liked and it didn't really excite me. I wouldn't have bought the book with the lame ass title. So, I was blunt as hell to my editor and said I hate the title and want to change it to..(you thought I was going to spill it) and the editor loved the new title. The thing is that I can change whatever I want with my book because it is mine, but if it is something as big as the title I can't just do that. I report to other people. That happens in business deals!
Part 3 My Knee Surgery Update
So it has been exactly 2 weeks since my knee surgery and things are moving along ok. My knee surgeon warned me that the recovery would be slow because of the type of surgery I was having. Trust me it is slow. I wouldn't say it is boring though. I have plenty of book stuff to do. I have enjoyed sleeping 8 hours a night and taking a nap everyday. I have been blessed by the love and support of my family and close friends. I have had a lunch or dinner date almost everyday. The first week of my surgery was pretty intense. I was sick as hell and couldn't really move. It didn't make for a very nice combination. The surgery was one that isn't done very often and every medical intern and resident from orthopedics was in my surgery. I am all for learning, but I literally got interviewed by almost 15 doctors who were going to be in the operating room that weren't part of the surgery. Finally, I had to say enough was enough. I have some bad ass photos of my knee and it looks like someone took a baseball bat and beat the shit out of my leg. It is really nasty. I have this machine in my apartment that bends my knee at a 60 degree angle for 6 hours a day. The machine is no joke.. The whole surgery thing has given me a bit of a reality check. I took a lot of things for granted. I never really thought about getting my mail, or cleaning my apartment, or taking a shower..but when you can't walk everything changes and it has made me really appreciate being healthy. I did get all my stitches out and that has helped some. I will be on crutches for several weeks and hopefully the swelling will go down and the bruising will get better soon. Now that I am feeling a little better I will try to be more faithful to my blog.
Part 1 The Titty Chop Shop
Recently I was going through old photos and couldn't believe what I was seeing. About 75% of the photos people were touching my boobs. Now, what is interesting about this that my boobs used to be double the size they are now. It is true I had them chopped down. They were huge and causing me some issues. I love to run and getting a black eye while jogging wasn't what I had in mind. I am just being silly when I talk about it, but the truth is I really did want to run a marathon and the boobs were a problem. I decided several years ago that I would get them reduced and it would be a lot more comfortable. At the time I thought it was the best decision I ever made about my body. I did run a marathon and couldn't have done it with the old "girls." Now, looking back I think I should have used them for financial gain before the hacksaw came out. Don't get me wrong my boobs could still be used for the greater good lol, but the old ones could have had their own marketing strategy. This is more or less the silly part of my post, but I guess the reason I am even sharing this information is because when I made the decision I was just coming out of a crazy religious cult and never thought about using my tits to make money. Now, that I have completely changed I wonder if I would have made the same decision. I know I could make them bigger like they used to be, but frankly I am a little tired of surgery and recovery.
Part 2 My Book Update
I LOVE my book. I know I say it all the time, but it is really a fun project to me. I enjoy that it is exactly how I talk and how I think and I am not going to apologize for it. I use profanity in my book. There will be a nude photo or 2 in my book. You never know who I have asked to show some ass in my book. You might just be surprised. The book is planned to have 10 chapters and all the chapters are titled. I think I shared this in a previous post, but I changed the title the last time the editor was in Chicago. The first title I never liked and it didn't really excite me. I wouldn't have bought the book with the lame ass title. So, I was blunt as hell to my editor and said I hate the title and want to change it to..(you thought I was going to spill it) and the editor loved the new title. The thing is that I can change whatever I want with my book because it is mine, but if it is something as big as the title I can't just do that. I report to other people. That happens in business deals!
Part 3 My Knee Surgery Update
So it has been exactly 2 weeks since my knee surgery and things are moving along ok. My knee surgeon warned me that the recovery would be slow because of the type of surgery I was having. Trust me it is slow. I wouldn't say it is boring though. I have plenty of book stuff to do. I have enjoyed sleeping 8 hours a night and taking a nap everyday. I have been blessed by the love and support of my family and close friends. I have had a lunch or dinner date almost everyday. The first week of my surgery was pretty intense. I was sick as hell and couldn't really move. It didn't make for a very nice combination. The surgery was one that isn't done very often and every medical intern and resident from orthopedics was in my surgery. I am all for learning, but I literally got interviewed by almost 15 doctors who were going to be in the operating room that weren't part of the surgery. Finally, I had to say enough was enough. I have some bad ass photos of my knee and it looks like someone took a baseball bat and beat the shit out of my leg. It is really nasty. I have this machine in my apartment that bends my knee at a 60 degree angle for 6 hours a day. The machine is no joke.. The whole surgery thing has given me a bit of a reality check. I took a lot of things for granted. I never really thought about getting my mail, or cleaning my apartment, or taking a shower..but when you can't walk everything changes and it has made me really appreciate being healthy. I did get all my stitches out and that has helped some. I will be on crutches for several weeks and hopefully the swelling will go down and the bruising will get better soon. Now that I am feeling a little better I will try to be more faithful to my blog.
May 20, 2010
Fucking For Fun Or Fucking For Love
I had an interesting conversation with my mom a couple of days ago about sex. The best part about my relationship with my mom is that I can say or ask anything. Sometimes, she is shocked, but our last conversation was very interesting. I asked her if she has or could have sex with someone she didn't love. Her initial response was "I don't understand how your mind works!" I laughed and she did eventually answer the question. It then made me think even more. I guess writing my book makes me think about things 24/7. That is also why I can't sleep because my mind is going a mile a minute. lol So, the more I thought about this sex thing is it any different if you love the person or not. I think that how I feel about it is much different then most people.
I have been thinking that I am the only one that enjoys having sex with someone I am not madly in love with. I know sex with your significant other is supposed to be this great spiritual experience and maybe because I don't have kids I don't get it. I think that there are those that we enjoy having sex with more then others, but where does love play into. Of course, I have been in both situations and I happen to enjoy both scenarios. I guess when you are in a relationship the sex is familiar and safe. I find that it can get boring at times. I find having sex with someone that you aren't in love with can be a little more wild. I think that people are willing to try things that they normally wouldn't because they don't have to face the person again if you don't want. I think if you are trying something new with your partner and it isn't exactly what you thought there is the embarrassment factor you have to get over.
Now, before you send me crazy comments.. I am not suggesting to go out and screw everyone in sight. I am also not suggesting to practice unsafe sex. I believe that all sex should be safe. I know that everyone has their opinion on this, but I think it depends on how you were raised, where you raised, and what generation you are in.
I have been thinking that I am the only one that enjoys having sex with someone I am not madly in love with. I know sex with your significant other is supposed to be this great spiritual experience and maybe because I don't have kids I don't get it. I think that there are those that we enjoy having sex with more then others, but where does love play into. Of course, I have been in both situations and I happen to enjoy both scenarios. I guess when you are in a relationship the sex is familiar and safe. I find that it can get boring at times. I find having sex with someone that you aren't in love with can be a little more wild. I think that people are willing to try things that they normally wouldn't because they don't have to face the person again if you don't want. I think if you are trying something new with your partner and it isn't exactly what you thought there is the embarrassment factor you have to get over.
Now, before you send me crazy comments.. I am not suggesting to go out and screw everyone in sight. I am also not suggesting to practice unsafe sex. I believe that all sex should be safe. I know that everyone has their opinion on this, but I think it depends on how you were raised, where you raised, and what generation you are in.
May 14, 2010
What's Your Favorite Electronic?
Ok all the people that know me probably think I am going to blog about "sex toys" because lets face it sometimes they can be my favorite. Sometimes there is nothing better than the real thing and sometimes it is all about alone time. As I do enjoy my friend "the rabbit," it has brought me great satisfaction and the best part is it doesn't cheat on me and doesn't require snuggling and chit chat. This really isn't the electronic I am going to talk about though! lol
Here is the electronic that I am talking about!!
This is the electronic that really keeps me happy. I love listening to my favorite music and just escaping reality. I really do think music can change your soul. I have found my ipod to be my best traveling companion and then I don't have to interact with people. I know that sounds rude, but I get tired of being asked to join every organization under the sun, asked to buy every spa package the city has to offer, and buy peanut m&m's from the local school. The peanuts would kill me anyway. It is not that I don't want to help my local school or help save the earth. I just want to join what groups I want when I want. I just find it annoying. I also decided that downloading songs in multiple languages has been a big help. I think it is genius. So, when people start to talk to me in English I just start playing a song in a different language and turn the volume all the way up and look at who is talking to me all confused. Trust me it works!!
Just a small update on the book! As I always say the book is going amazing and damn I will be happy when it is finished. I look forward to a summer of major book writing.
Here is the electronic that I am talking about!!
This is the electronic that really keeps me happy. I love listening to my favorite music and just escaping reality. I really do think music can change your soul. I have found my ipod to be my best traveling companion and then I don't have to interact with people. I know that sounds rude, but I get tired of being asked to join every organization under the sun, asked to buy every spa package the city has to offer, and buy peanut m&m's from the local school. The peanuts would kill me anyway. It is not that I don't want to help my local school or help save the earth. I just want to join what groups I want when I want. I just find it annoying. I also decided that downloading songs in multiple languages has been a big help. I think it is genius. So, when people start to talk to me in English I just start playing a song in a different language and turn the volume all the way up and look at who is talking to me all confused. Trust me it works!!
Just a small update on the book! As I always say the book is going amazing and damn I will be happy when it is finished. I look forward to a summer of major book writing.
April 5, 2010
Love And Loyalty
Sorry about how long it has been since I have been on here! This blog will just be an update about what has been going on and where I have been. There is so much to share and I feel like time spent on the blog should be time spent on the book. I think my editor would say the same thing. He reminds often about how much writing I have to do. So I am going to break it down into the 2 biggest things that have been going on in the book world.
LOVE: Well you all know that I love my book. I am excited to say that the book finally has a title. My book will have about 10 chapters and so far all the chapters are titled. I don't think that we will add any chapters, but after last weekend that could have added another chapter. My editor was in Chicago. I normally go to Los Angeles, but he came here for a number of reasons. I feel like it is the most creative we have been together. One funny thing he said while he was here is that I have to try to relate to "women" more if I want to sell my book to them. It is true, so I am going to do my best to embrace them more. lol I have decided that as far as my blog I am going to try to blog once a week to keep you all informed. I won't take 3 weeks to blog again. Once a week is my goal considering I have real deadlines to get the book done.
Loyalty: This has probably been the most bothersome thing I am going to share in this blog. The past few weeks I have had to reevaluate a couple of relationships in my life. I guess not being loyal is one of those things that I can't tolerate. I got pushed passed the point of no return and decided that I had to cut 2 people out of my life. I have just decided that if I live with the philosophy that we really only have one chance to make the most of our life I am not going to allow people in my life at any capacity who call themselves my friend and every chance they get stab me in the back. I know it may sound harsh, but no more. I don't ask for a lot from people. I do require loyalty. It seems so easy, but I guess sometimes we go through these life lessons to keep us on track and make us appreciate those that really love us. Trust me I want to believe that these people wouldn't stab me in the back, but it has happened several times and I just can't say it is ok anymore. So, I have decided instead of feeling like I am going to lose my mind I am going to eliminate the drama.
I am going to continue to share bits and pieces of my book in future blogs. I have some fun topics I would like to blog about! Again, thanks everyone for being supportive of my book and blog.
LOVE: Well you all know that I love my book. I am excited to say that the book finally has a title. My book will have about 10 chapters and so far all the chapters are titled. I don't think that we will add any chapters, but after last weekend that could have added another chapter. My editor was in Chicago. I normally go to Los Angeles, but he came here for a number of reasons. I feel like it is the most creative we have been together. One funny thing he said while he was here is that I have to try to relate to "women" more if I want to sell my book to them. It is true, so I am going to do my best to embrace them more. lol I have decided that as far as my blog I am going to try to blog once a week to keep you all informed. I won't take 3 weeks to blog again. Once a week is my goal considering I have real deadlines to get the book done.
Loyalty: This has probably been the most bothersome thing I am going to share in this blog. The past few weeks I have had to reevaluate a couple of relationships in my life. I guess not being loyal is one of those things that I can't tolerate. I got pushed passed the point of no return and decided that I had to cut 2 people out of my life. I have just decided that if I live with the philosophy that we really only have one chance to make the most of our life I am not going to allow people in my life at any capacity who call themselves my friend and every chance they get stab me in the back. I know it may sound harsh, but no more. I don't ask for a lot from people. I do require loyalty. It seems so easy, but I guess sometimes we go through these life lessons to keep us on track and make us appreciate those that really love us. Trust me I want to believe that these people wouldn't stab me in the back, but it has happened several times and I just can't say it is ok anymore. So, I have decided instead of feeling like I am going to lose my mind I am going to eliminate the drama.
I am going to continue to share bits and pieces of my book in future blogs. I have some fun topics I would like to blog about! Again, thanks everyone for being supportive of my book and blog.
March 25, 2010
Get On Your Knees Bitch
This is really what I wanted the title of my book to be. It isn't though, so I can post it on my blog. Getting on your knees could imply more than one meaning. It does here as well. lol Don't get me wrong I know that religion and sex are on the "do not talk about list." That makes me want to to talk about it even more. I am getting to the point of this whole process where I realize that everyone isn't going to like what I have to say. Each time I post something I will get an email or 2 or 10 telling me to stop writing my book. The visits from my conservative, religious, closed-minded friends aren't really stopping me either. I was totally brainwashed and I want people to know that life is much more than singing hymns and going to church 7 days a week.
So as I said before getting on your knees could have more than one meaning. I will go the good girl route first and tell you where I am coming from. I think people are getting the impression that I think god is bad and I don't think people should go to church. That actually isn't what I think at all. I don't really get into organized religion. I don't buy into it is this way or you are damned to hell. I do however think that faith is important. I don't think we as humans could survive without some sort of faith in something. My point is who am I to decide that for you. The background that I come from they would make every decision for me. I mean every decision. I think what I learned about myself is that it is much easier to conform then to have a different view on things. I would have probably moved into my old church if I would have been allowed to. This is no joke, I loved being there. I was so caught up in loving god that I would judge everyone around me and honestly I wasn't very nice. Not that I am nice now (haha) I guess if people think I am mean now it is because I don't like any sort of bullshit. I realize that we will always have stupid shit in our lives, but if I detect more than there should be I can be very blunt. So, I guess getting on your knees in this case is really just a representation of prayer to what or who you pray to. I don't think there is a thing wrong with it. I am just not going to have any group tell me how think anymore or who I need to pray to.
The other kind of getting on your knees is exactly what you think it is. The dirty bad girl or boy (because everyone knows that I hang out with boys more then girls) sort of way. This is where my haters will start sending me messages. Those from my past think talking about a blow job is damnation to hell. Well, if talking about it is going to send me to hell. What about actually doing it? Is there something worse then hell? I used to be so shy and wouldn't even say the word shit. So, those who know me from both sides of the world so to speak are a little shocked when I talk. I really don't mean to shock people, but I have found certain subjects are just so taboo. I learned from a friend/mentor of mine who is already an author not to change who I am because people might not like me or might not get me. She said that I shouldn't give a fuck if people are offended that I have enjoyed sex with strippers. She also said if more people would talk about what they enjoy more people would be satisfied. I love her because no matter how crazy or out there my idea is she is fully supportive. Everyone needs a mentor like mine. It makes life a lot more interesting.
So as I said before getting on your knees could have more than one meaning. I will go the good girl route first and tell you where I am coming from. I think people are getting the impression that I think god is bad and I don't think people should go to church. That actually isn't what I think at all. I don't really get into organized religion. I don't buy into it is this way or you are damned to hell. I do however think that faith is important. I don't think we as humans could survive without some sort of faith in something. My point is who am I to decide that for you. The background that I come from they would make every decision for me. I mean every decision. I think what I learned about myself is that it is much easier to conform then to have a different view on things. I would have probably moved into my old church if I would have been allowed to. This is no joke, I loved being there. I was so caught up in loving god that I would judge everyone around me and honestly I wasn't very nice. Not that I am nice now (haha) I guess if people think I am mean now it is because I don't like any sort of bullshit. I realize that we will always have stupid shit in our lives, but if I detect more than there should be I can be very blunt. So, I guess getting on your knees in this case is really just a representation of prayer to what or who you pray to. I don't think there is a thing wrong with it. I am just not going to have any group tell me how think anymore or who I need to pray to.
The other kind of getting on your knees is exactly what you think it is. The dirty bad girl or boy (because everyone knows that I hang out with boys more then girls) sort of way. This is where my haters will start sending me messages. Those from my past think talking about a blow job is damnation to hell. Well, if talking about it is going to send me to hell. What about actually doing it? Is there something worse then hell? I used to be so shy and wouldn't even say the word shit. So, those who know me from both sides of the world so to speak are a little shocked when I talk. I really don't mean to shock people, but I have found certain subjects are just so taboo. I learned from a friend/mentor of mine who is already an author not to change who I am because people might not like me or might not get me. She said that I shouldn't give a fuck if people are offended that I have enjoyed sex with strippers. She also said if more people would talk about what they enjoy more people would be satisfied. I love her because no matter how crazy or out there my idea is she is fully supportive. Everyone needs a mentor like mine. It makes life a lot more interesting.
March 19, 2010
Sometimes You Might Not Like What You See When You Look In The Mirror
The blog title has nothing to do with physical attributes is has to do with who we are on the inside. Actually, who we are at the core. It has nothing to do with how pretty, smart, and skinny we are. The blog will also explain why I took a couple of week break from it. (time had some to do with it, but really I just needed a mental break)
This blog is also in response to a really nice email I got from someone who follows my blog and asked where I have been. The number one thing that I have realized in writing a book the excitement really does wear off. Since, I am not finished with the book I am not sure if this is a permanent feeling or just a rough patch. There comes a lot more pressure and I am responsible to report to people. It is a little scary if the work isn't done and I need to give it to them. I am all for hard work, so that part doesn't bother me. It is the balance thing. I want to have a "life" and spend time with my loved ones. I am still working my career job, and I know at this point every spare moment should be spent working on my book. I am someone who is usually balanced. I have great times with my friends and family, but lately in the back of mind I know time is ticking for deadlines. I am someone who holds a great value in relationships with my close friends and those who are close to me are very supportive. I am just not used to feeling this way.
The other reason I haven't been blogging is because I felt like I was losing myself in the process. That might not make sense to some people, but I will explain. I now have a whole different persona "Becky The Book Girl." What is funny about this is that when you are in the business to sell a product or even more then that yourself to get fans to buy your book it is very easy to lose who you are and get wrapped up in that. I think I sort of lost "Kelly" in the process. The thing is that I have a friend who doesn't sell books, but promotes a whole different world. I would get so irritated listening to all the made up bullshit. Looking at it now, I thought it was being completely false and I found myself doing the same thing. Really, listening to this person was really just listening to myself. I go back to the balance thing who is Kelly and who is Becky the Book Girl? I do believe people come into our lives for a reason and I just was upset with myself that I was judging someone for being dishonest and I was doing the exact same thing. In most businesses you have to promote yourself, but it is a fine balancing act to not lose who you are in the process. So that is why I haven't been blogging. I want this experience to to fun and something I look forward to. I think I am back on track and ready to be silly as ever.
This blog is also in response to a really nice email I got from someone who follows my blog and asked where I have been. The number one thing that I have realized in writing a book the excitement really does wear off. Since, I am not finished with the book I am not sure if this is a permanent feeling or just a rough patch. There comes a lot more pressure and I am responsible to report to people. It is a little scary if the work isn't done and I need to give it to them. I am all for hard work, so that part doesn't bother me. It is the balance thing. I want to have a "life" and spend time with my loved ones. I am still working my career job, and I know at this point every spare moment should be spent working on my book. I am someone who is usually balanced. I have great times with my friends and family, but lately in the back of mind I know time is ticking for deadlines. I am someone who holds a great value in relationships with my close friends and those who are close to me are very supportive. I am just not used to feeling this way.
The other reason I haven't been blogging is because I felt like I was losing myself in the process. That might not make sense to some people, but I will explain. I now have a whole different persona "Becky The Book Girl." What is funny about this is that when you are in the business to sell a product or even more then that yourself to get fans to buy your book it is very easy to lose who you are and get wrapped up in that. I think I sort of lost "Kelly" in the process. The thing is that I have a friend who doesn't sell books, but promotes a whole different world. I would get so irritated listening to all the made up bullshit. Looking at it now, I thought it was being completely false and I found myself doing the same thing. Really, listening to this person was really just listening to myself. I go back to the balance thing who is Kelly and who is Becky the Book Girl? I do believe people come into our lives for a reason and I just was upset with myself that I was judging someone for being dishonest and I was doing the exact same thing. In most businesses you have to promote yourself, but it is a fine balancing act to not lose who you are in the process. So that is why I haven't been blogging. I want this experience to to fun and something I look forward to. I think I am back on track and ready to be silly as ever.
March 5, 2010
Lady Emotions Suck Major Ass
I have had a hard time "feeling inspired" lately. The part about it that bothers me so much is that I have been extremely emotional lately. It's really not my thing to cry about shit. It is not because I think I am a bad ass with no heart. It is because I just make other people feel uncomfortable when I do cry. Let me first say that "lady emotions" has nothing to do with that time of the month. People seem to think that is what I am talking about. I actually took the phrase from one of my gay boys. I am not exactly sure what started it all, but I was just in a funk for a few days. (which seemed like a few weeks)
I think one thing that didn't help was that I had to interview some people for my book. Most of the interviews went great and were a lot of fun. One interview was very uncomfortable and I was a little shocked about it. I felt like the interview that was uncomfortable was several years of frustration and jealousy that came out. Thankfully I have the final say and that mess won't be in the book. I do want other people's perspective in my book, but I think that my whole book has a light hearted fun tone. The interview wasn't fun to say the least. I also think what started the in interview off on the wrong foot is the person I interviewed said they have "feelings" for someone in my past. GROSS!!
On the positive side of things I did get to go to Penny Arcade's book reading and she is simply an amazing person. I walked away thinking she is the type of person I want to be. I think we really never stop changing or evolving, but Penny is so laid back and so supportive of any artist or writer in my case. She gave me so many good ideas. I just need to try them and see how it goes. Things are looking more exciting and it was only a few days I felt "emotional" so hopefully things will keep moving in the right direction.
I think one thing that didn't help was that I had to interview some people for my book. Most of the interviews went great and were a lot of fun. One interview was very uncomfortable and I was a little shocked about it. I felt like the interview that was uncomfortable was several years of frustration and jealousy that came out. Thankfully I have the final say and that mess won't be in the book. I do want other people's perspective in my book, but I think that my whole book has a light hearted fun tone. The interview wasn't fun to say the least. I also think what started the in interview off on the wrong foot is the person I interviewed said they have "feelings" for someone in my past. GROSS!!
On the positive side of things I did get to go to Penny Arcade's book reading and she is simply an amazing person. I walked away thinking she is the type of person I want to be. I think we really never stop changing or evolving, but Penny is so laid back and so supportive of any artist or writer in my case. She gave me so many good ideas. I just need to try them and see how it goes. Things are looking more exciting and it was only a few days I felt "emotional" so hopefully things will keep moving in the right direction.
February 24, 2010
Is His Business Going To Hang To Low?
I think this has been a week of questions. I have been asking myself and other people a lot of them. Some of my questions are politically correct some are not. Recently, I went shopping for my best friends birthday. Now, having a guy best friend is a bit different then having a girl best friend. We really aren't that into giving each other gifts not because we don't care about each other. It is because we spend a lot of time together and that usually ends up being a lot of $ as well. I would take the great times and lots of laughs (sometimes trouble usually my fault when that happens) over gift giving any day! The past 6 months since I have had to take the book deal more serious and have traveled a lot more he has done a lot for me. He has taken care of my apartment and my kitty Olive. So, I wanted to do a little something just to say thanks. Well, the truth is that I see him mostly in his underwear because of his job so I thought that would be a good choice for a gift. Well, I went online first... damn there are more styles of mens underwear than womens. So, I walked to the store in my neighborhood that sell man panties. I walked in a little educated about what I wanted. Anyway, the sales person was very nice, but trying to sell me these absolutely horrible underwear. They were way to girly. The amount of styles was a bit overwhelming. I finally found one that I liked and I said not realizing how loud I was talking "is this one going to make his business hang too low?" Not only did the sales clerk laugh at me so did the man trying on clothes in the fitting room. At that moment I got really hot and I know that I turned bright red. I also wanted the floor to have a trap door and I wanted to fall in it. I thought my question was legitimate. It bothers me when men wear underwear that don't hold their business in place. It is sort of like a woman wearing a bra with no elastic. What's the point. So, when he wears the new underwear you all better tip him well because I embarrassed myself and can't show my face in the store ever again. I am sure I will see those people out and about and they will laugh at me.
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