The town I was raised in is very conservative. The only thing that the town has to offer is a few collector cars, Walmart and multiple churches. The town over from the one I grew up in has a large number of KKK members, so needless to say the culture isn't very diverse in many ways. I think out of boredom is how I got involved in the whole church thing. Well, being bored was only part of it also being invited to go to church by a very cute boy didn't hurt.
It is funny how religion works. They reel you in by being nice and showing you the accepting side of religion. I happen to come from a baptist background, but as I got more familiar with other "conservative christians" I soon realized that it didn't matter what denomination a person was from. I can tell you this from my experience, I fully believe that I was in a cult and it took some time for me to sort of deprogram my brain. When you believe an entire set of rules and guidelines and after many years realize that the belief system is full of hypocrisy it takes some time to figure out who you are.
I started to get heavily involved in church or god when I was in high school. My family only went to church on the religious holidays like Easter or Christmas. So, I was doing the church thing at first because I had a crush on the cute boy that invited me to god's house. I would say after about a year I was a jesus recruit and I was so involved in church that my grades were slipping at school and I actually quit the basketball team. I told my parents that I didn't want to play basketball because of a knee injury that I had, but really I just couldn't get enough of god and his people. I loved going to church and being around like minded people. For those of you who know me now, probably find it a little shocking that I could have been so much into god. I think looking back at it now the transformation was obvious nothing mattered to me except the lord and if you didn't go to church I thought you were the most horrible person in the world. Now, my family wasn't very religious so this caused some friction in my home life. They watched a good student and athlete give up everything to follow the lord. That was only high school, it only progressed into something much more.
I was at church 4 or 5 days a week. I was involved in every group I could be in just so I could be there. I have had multiple bibles in every translation for every occasion. I don't think people realize that they are getting brainwashed until they are out of the situation. As I said previously, they now their shit. These people reel you in with kindness and compassion and try to love like jesus would. That lasted for me for about a year. Remember I was a pagan and I needed saved so they "loved" me until I accepted jesus into my heart. Things would soon change and I wasn't so loved anymore. For me the church people I know have turned out to be some of the most judgemental and rude people I know. When a person is as involved in religion as much as I was you end up and make no decisions for yourself. I would justify every thing the church (as a group of people not a building) did to me as love when actually it was just power.
I was soon confronted about everything. I didn't pray enough, I didn't give enough money to the church. The biggest one is my biological father was abusive. The same people who reeled me in with love would indoctrinate my brain with bible verses that if I didn't forgive my dad that I wouldn't be a complete person and if I couldn't forgive my dad that there is no way I would be a good parent. That is only the tip of the iceberg as far as confrontation. I do believe that there were good people in the church, but what I experienced was something that basically beat me down as a human being. The church was trying to tell me that it was my fault that I was abused by my dad. They were so busy being all up in every one's business and saving souls, I think they forgot to practice what they preach.
One would have thought that I would have seen the obvious, but I didn't. I carried on and let them keep abusing me. I made a decision at that point to take this religion thing to another level. I decided to go to bible college. At this point in my life, all I knew was bibles, hymns, and prayer. Who was I praying to anyway? Would jesus really approve of my judgemental ways? I would ponder these things often. I moved to Chicago from the very small town I grew up in. I thought I would go to bible college, graduate, and save souls somewhere in the world. I would soon realize that my life would be turned upside down. I mean that way in the best way.
Keep in mind I moved to Chicago with very little money, but I knew that if I just had faith some how god would provide. I think what happened next would be one of the best things I could have ever happened to me. I decided to get a job and I happen to get a job in retail (like a lot of my peers) now for those of you that have had any sort of culture in your life, know where this story is going to go. I did in fact believe that god would provide, but I also knew that money didn't grow on trees. The job I would get and the people I would meet would be the best thing that ever happened to me and for me. As we all know, retail does in fact have a lot of gay men that work there. I met tons of them. I never tried push my religion down their throats. I was still very involved in church and bible college. It was fun for me to actually meet people who just liked me for me. I didn't have to have live this whole life of being the good christian girl. It was fascinating to me that I could just be liked without all the requirements. As time went on I developed a very close friendship with one of my gay managers and I was starting to slowly see that there was a bigger world out there then the bubble I had been living in for several years.
When you go to the bible college that I went to you must sign a code of conduct form and there are a lot of rules. Please I couldn't even wear pants and my skirts had to be at my knee. I started breaking a big rule though. There is a rule that if you aren't married, you must live on campus. At the time, I started to realize how brainwashed I really was. I was also finding that as I developed friendships with people at my job that I wasn't normal they were. I started to hate school and stay over at my gay friends apartment everyday. I did get in trouble for this from the dean of students and eventually I was forced to withdraw from school for my sinful behavior. I have to say this...I am so happy that I broke this rule. Bible college was many years ago and I don't talk to any of those people anymore, but the same gay friend that I spent all the time with over all these years is still one of my closest friends.
So, why did I share that very long story? The reason is because I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak on this issue, but I would not be the person I am today without this happening. I have found that I sure as fuck will never follow a religion that teaches hate and intolerance.I am no longer involved in any of it and I am happy to report that I am actually happier now then ever before. So, this is fundamental to who I am as a writer. I sometimes I over think things because I NEVER want to judge someone the way I was judged.
September 29, 2010
September 20, 2010
It Was Only Sex
I have been thinking lately about some of my past "hook-ups" and really had an eye opening experience. I have stated many times that I hang out with a lot of guys and generally I think very similar to them except for a few things. I think this is one of those times or situations where women process things very differently then men. Don't get me wrong I have gone to bars or out and about looking for the same thing every guy or girl looks for.
Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.
As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.
We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.
So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.
I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.
Let me explain, we all have different motives or reasons for going out each time we decide to walk in a bar or club. Sometimes, we go out just to hang out with friends and to have a good time. Other times we go out to have sex or hook-up. There is a whole thought process behind what the motive is. If we are just going out with friends with no motive other then just to have a good time there is a lot less pressure. If we are looking to get some booty, we all know that takes some work. Not only do you have to look your best and feel your best, you have mentally prepare to be on your A Game. It is almost exhausting at times.
As I said a few posts back about being "that girl" is the reason I am really blogging about this. I had a huge wake up call that made me think about what I am really looking for. So, it is no secret that the boys that I tend take home from bars aren't exactly relationship material. I know that about them and they know that about me well most of the time. I found myself playing the same game as them. Usually, when you play a game there is a winner and loser unless the "rules" are discussed ahead of time. There is a certain skill set needed to keep up this game to. These boys are professional at what they do and trust me I thought I was good at the game until I was burned at it.
We all live and learn, but this lesson was a hard one for me to learn. It was really hard for me to understand why none of these guys ever really liked me. I think on a platonic level they all liked me, but that is all they ever thought. Sounds a little debbie downer, but I am not upset about it. I am glad I realized it now. They only ever wanted one thing and usually I wanted the same thing, but a couple of things happened that made me realize there is clearly something lacking and frankly I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.
So, I am not a kiss and tell type of girl, but this will be something I will never forget. I was out in a bar and a guy I know (biblically if you will lol) not only called me the wrong name once, but twice. The worst part of the whole situation is that it wasn't even the same name. There was definitely some confusion about who I was. Sounds funny until I really thought about it. Clearly, that was the moment when I thought to myself this is the exact problem. I have allowed these guys to do this for so long that it just seemed normal. Don't get me wrong a few years ago when it first started I was in a place where I was dealing with something and I wasn't looking for any sort of commitment or intimacy on any level. Maybe, that is what I needed to get through that. That was just the first thing that happened... the second one happened right after that and that is when I knew it was time to change some things. The second situation was with someone I do consider a friend, but none the less it still felt the same. Again, I would say that I know the second person better then the first, but it is all the same thing. The only problem with second scenario I was called the correct name, but kind of put in my place that it was only sex. I think after the fact I always knew that it was only sex, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Let me back up and say the second person didn't just happen actually it was something I was not really ever interested in or considered. It took some pushing from my friends and some sweet talking from the guy. I ended up and was that girl and fell for it. Trust me I was fed some of the best lines and bought them all. I won't get into all of that because really it isn't the guys fault it was mine for allowing it. I knew deep down what it was all about, but I refused to see it. Remember I hang out with boys all the time. I was told by those close to me from the get go.
I guess the reason I am even sharing this is because this is the "moment" I think all those decisions have helped me get over this thing I was trying to run away from. I think that having men make you feel insignificant and not remember your name is a huge wake up call that I deserved something better. I have found that as you will read in my book I am becoming a better writer because of this. I know that I am an amazing person who made some poor guy choices, but if it weren't for some of those choices there would be no book. I am on an exciting journey with this book and everyday I learn so much about being a better writer and just being honest with myself.
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